Today, I am officially getting old to be 25 years old and I want to label it "Cleaning out"
25 years ago, I can imagine, I was born healthy with pure mind (as clean as white paper, which smart people call it, tabula rasa), even some religious said I bring evil part as a human being.
So whatever with the theory and religious people. I just know that I grow not only with my knowledge and experience but also with any kind of toxic you can imagine from this world. You name it, from value judgment from others, norms, to alcohol, tobacco, caffeine, pesticide.
Today, yes TODAY is the day to clean these all out from my body and soul. Start with taking long shower, taking out all old stuff in my wardrobe, cleaning out my room, and the house. I guess that it is still not enough. I am doing detoxification, just eat fruits and drink 10 liters of water, to take all poisonous thingy out. OUT OUT OUT!
Yes, it is the best present I have ever had for myself in this 25 years old. But no offense to Farzad, one of my room mates, your present is cute too. :)
Now, I start getting to the edge of myself. I feel starving even though I keep eating the mango and oranges in the fridge. I guess for all I have done in this 24 years and 365 days, this is just the beginning to feel better how the "good" pain can heal and renew tired soul that could not realize, shout and say "I am tired" and intoxicated body that always wants to look good, but takes alcohols for the sake of better laughs, takes caffeine to stay awake in the morning, takes sleeping pills to get sleep at night, and so on and so on and again and again...
TODAY I CLEANED THESE OUT! YES I MADE IT!
Sunday, November 29, 2009
finding back my presence
woowww.. it has been a long time to dance my fingers on the top of my laptop for fun things, like blogging.
Working on the university works, checking mails, and checking whatever happen in the fake social life network I could have on the net (twitty, facebooky, orkuchy-as brazilian say for Orkut, bla di bla...) have become a routine even more become an unstated social obligation. Occhhh... so tired of all these.
Then, I ran out from my fucked up life these last few weeks. I thought join meditation work shop could be an option. I was right. Woke up in early morning at 7am to attend the session far away from the city I live in now, Rotterdam, I have found myself very courageous to travel alone to this place, Egmond aan Zee, a small city on the north of Amsterdam, 2 hours by train and very small bus that even nobody will judge it as a bus.
When I arrived there, a woman, who I think is very lovely and sweet with british accent hold my freezing hand with her warm hand, gave an honest smile, and said, "let me show you the room. do you wanna have a cup of coffee or tea" Owwwhhh so sweetttt, I love this woman (of course not in the gay way of loving since I am damn strait, ha!)
Then I felt so welcomed and even took out 49 EURO out of my bank account did not feel painful anymore. yeah That's a beauty of love. Love is blind. Hate it but it is true and I fully accept that.
After put all stuffs and change clothes, the class was started with about 10 people. It was very interesting moment because it was a social meditation day, meditation without closing eyes and scared to feel asleep. Everybody started hugging each other in the proper way, expressing themselves, colliding themselves, getting the anger out of ourselves, complaining about our pain, dancing, saying positive things. Waoooo... I wish the world could be like this sometimes, when everybody just does not care with what other people will say and be happy together in the same time.
The sharing session struck me though, when a middle age lady, about 55 years old confessed that she had had a problem during the session to express the truth feelings of her. She has been an actress since 24 years old and now she does not know which one is acting and which one is her real emotion.
The other person said, (he is one of gay couples) "I feel home every time I come here and I get myself out of my unconsciousness" Lovely! The other woman is a taxi driver, she is just fun! When we had a circle hug, we all of sudden put one of our feet together in the middle and she shoot, "hey! time for feet sex, oowww... unprotected one!" such a very good sense of humor.
At the end of the session, Bart, a 38 years old guy asked me for a date and we had a date in the nice restaurant, new york hotel (for the people outside rotterdam may think I am bitch, but please don't because it is just the name). He is interesting though and I feel nourished from the conversation. He was talking about different kind of meditations using amazon herbs which pull me out to try someday. For sure I will. It is just crossing in my mind, in this fuckin' 25th years old thingy. Why I always have cute younger guy who like me or very old guy who like me and asking for sleep dating (Woowww... easy!) Is there any in between their ages, like 32 to 35. Damn where are these men like this on earth! Are they in the state like to fuck around, which I do not really into it. Or I just like extreme stuff, between kiddish stuff, hangout get drunk in the student social drink event, and oldish stuff, like meditating? I need to really check on that I guess... looking into my presence and peeping deeper.
Working on the university works, checking mails, and checking whatever happen in the fake social life network I could have on the net (twitty, facebooky, orkuchy-as brazilian say for Orkut, bla di bla...) have become a routine even more become an unstated social obligation. Occhhh... so tired of all these.
Then, I ran out from my fucked up life these last few weeks. I thought join meditation work shop could be an option. I was right. Woke up in early morning at 7am to attend the session far away from the city I live in now, Rotterdam, I have found myself very courageous to travel alone to this place, Egmond aan Zee, a small city on the north of Amsterdam, 2 hours by train and very small bus that even nobody will judge it as a bus.
When I arrived there, a woman, who I think is very lovely and sweet with british accent hold my freezing hand with her warm hand, gave an honest smile, and said, "let me show you the room. do you wanna have a cup of coffee or tea" Owwwhhh so sweetttt, I love this woman (of course not in the gay way of loving since I am damn strait, ha!)
Then I felt so welcomed and even took out 49 EURO out of my bank account did not feel painful anymore. yeah That's a beauty of love. Love is blind. Hate it but it is true and I fully accept that.
After put all stuffs and change clothes, the class was started with about 10 people. It was very interesting moment because it was a social meditation day, meditation without closing eyes and scared to feel asleep. Everybody started hugging each other in the proper way, expressing themselves, colliding themselves, getting the anger out of ourselves, complaining about our pain, dancing, saying positive things. Waoooo... I wish the world could be like this sometimes, when everybody just does not care with what other people will say and be happy together in the same time.
The sharing session struck me though, when a middle age lady, about 55 years old confessed that she had had a problem during the session to express the truth feelings of her. She has been an actress since 24 years old and now she does not know which one is acting and which one is her real emotion.
The other person said, (he is one of gay couples) "I feel home every time I come here and I get myself out of my unconsciousness" Lovely! The other woman is a taxi driver, she is just fun! When we had a circle hug, we all of sudden put one of our feet together in the middle and she shoot, "hey! time for feet sex, oowww... unprotected one!" such a very good sense of humor.
At the end of the session, Bart, a 38 years old guy asked me for a date and we had a date in the nice restaurant, new york hotel (for the people outside rotterdam may think I am bitch, but please don't because it is just the name). He is interesting though and I feel nourished from the conversation. He was talking about different kind of meditations using amazon herbs which pull me out to try someday. For sure I will. It is just crossing in my mind, in this fuckin' 25th years old thingy. Why I always have cute younger guy who like me or very old guy who like me and asking for sleep dating (Woowww... easy!) Is there any in between their ages, like 32 to 35. Damn where are these men like this on earth! Are they in the state like to fuck around, which I do not really into it. Or I just like extreme stuff, between kiddish stuff, hangout get drunk in the student social drink event, and oldish stuff, like meditating? I need to really check on that I guess... looking into my presence and peeping deeper.
Saturday, November 07, 2009
Friday, November 06, 2009
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